我想说的是（事）

又來了

2010-12-22T08:41:00.000-08:00

我又來到我的~~尋夢園~~避風港。。。原來臉書還不夠我發泄。。。

今日帶孩子到一個朋友家作客。原來我們的 “遭遇” 还蠻相似。好比常常對事抱著希望，得到失望，然後絕望。。哈哈。。

就快開學了。。女兒的校裙要等27號才有貨，老公頗有怨言，說我為甚麼不早一點買。。書本以為上網訂，到學校拿，怎麼知現在訂只能付費送貨而不能自己去拿。。現在就擔心27號那日買不齊。。就可能挨罵了。在讀我牢騷的讀者，你們一定以為我家有暴君？其實他不是啦。。。不過我這個小女人，臉皮薄，挨不了他不是很溫柔的遣責（我用詞好重哦）

其實是我怕他。。不知何故。。一直都是這樣。。他會不會罵都還是未知數我就已經先怕了。。唉。。

”死“字

2010-10-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

你說，是自己不夠幸福，還是自己不知足長樂？每當看到別人夫妻恩愛的照片，總是會羨慕（在看朋友和老公的照片咯）。唉，要怎麼樣我才學會知足？撇開這個不說。。。剛才，我惹兒子哭了。

忘記是怎麼開始，我只記得我在“趕工”，想在10點前做完家務事能看一下電視的十點新聞。所以，催他們刷牙上床睡覺。。然後我們就為了我現在想不起來的事吵了起來。兒子他一直強調我常把死字掛嘴邊。氣死我，忙死我，累死我等，都有用到“死”字嘛。他講我用的過多，死這個字會讓他很傷心。我在“趕工”，但看他哭哭鬧鬧，為了一個字發脾氣，我更氣。我停下了手上的工作，跟他理論，跟他說，“死”這個字不是壞字，只要用對地方就可。他死都不聽（那！又得用了）。最後，他竟然像大人般說 “enough”，不要在跟我理論了。這個小孩，語氣常常都和大人一樣。吵架時，我还miss了一個call。我們停後，他还說“mummy，go and check your missed call”。你說像不像大人。

明天他有考試，希望今晚的事不會有甚麼影響。希望他考完，我會記得去查個究竟，為甚麼他那麼抗拒“死”字。是我以前教的嗎？

現在想想，全職母親不好当。出外做工做不好，影響應該沒有媽媽教不好兒子的影響大吧。真擔心我會不知不覺把一些不對不好的思想灌輸給他。怎麼辦呢？

2010-10-01T11:04:00.000-07:00

We once agree to go HK disney, for the sake of our little girl. She is still little when we are there 3 yrs ago and not into princess yet. Now that she is into princess, I hope to bring her there again...

We are planning to go with sister in law, but year end, prices are high so in the end we are now going Sabah, because all of us wanted to bring our mil for a tour and she wanted Sabah. I told dh we will go next year, and keep a look out for promotions. And since it is only us (sil no longer want to go), I told dh we should just chk out last minute offer and just go if offer is good.

Came across Cathay Pacific newsletter a few days ago and highlighted to him there are promotions going on to Hong Kong. He is washing the dishes, and just muttered some sounds and that is it .. no proper answer, but yet I dare not approach the subject again.

Jetstar also has promo, flying one way to NZ costing like 300SG, and I told him while he is using his iphone... the answer is also rather blurred, something like don't know free or not, and I dare not approach the subject again ..

I thought we agree that I will look out for offers, and we can plan one tour. Yes, we have the Sabah one, but I wanted one that only has us 4. sigh ....

Communication

2010-09-30T10:09:00.000-07:00

Today, sent a few sms to my hubby. Usually I am always afraid that I will burst the quota given, but this month I am far from that. Sometimes I sent him messages abt what my girl says which is rather hilarious, or little complains here and there. Today, our sms exchanges are abt two issue, 1) me not cooking and eating out, if he is ok, where and when to meet; 2) picking up a cookware set that I am given by participating in the 3M survey. I cannot count how many we have exchange cos lazy to get up to the phone at it's charging "station", but it is not really alot. One of the message towards the end read something like "Do not reply. Don't waste your sms".

It is a simple sentence, but perhaps of emo monster, I read more into it... I feel that I am asked to keep quiet. Anyway , ya I did.

His new job is so busy, that his mind is still on job when he is at home. He is usually tired and sleeps/doze easily. On other hand, I try to get what i want to get across at every possible moment, like when he stopped at traffic lights, when he is eating meals, other than these times, I feel that I am disturbing him. I ever wonder to myself, do we ever speak more than 10 sentences a day.

We originally wanted to go HK disney, but because of the high price, we intend to postpone to next year. I did mentioned to him that if he is serious, then I can always keep a lookout of offers.. and he say ok.

Recentky, Cathay has promotions. I told him while he is washing the dishes. He listens but did not say anythg after that. Just now I told him jetstar has promo to NZ... and he say, where got time to go, kids must ... I said the travel date can be somewhere next year, then nothing from him again after I stopped. Will we ever get to travel on our own?

My darling girl

2010-09-30T08:41:00.000-07:00

I should be writing this post a few days ago .... when my feelings to be expressed into this post is so strong ...

I want to let out .. I feel I owe my girl alot ... during the morning, I will spare at least 30 minutes for my boy, to go thru his work with or without him. After hectic morning of preparing lunch, coaching etc, I have a long afternoon. During the afternoon, i will usually plan in alot of different housework, like washing toilet (30 minutes), mopping floor (45-1hr if no rinse), ironing (2hr, smtimes 1), and after these housework, there left not much time to spent with her as I need to prepare for dinner.

I feel guilty for not spending time with her, but when I have that 5 or 10 minutes, she may be reading on her own (she usually does that after her lunch while I am eating mine) and she would not want to be disturb.

I wish many times to stop cooking for a week or a month, so that i can free up some time daily for her .. but I cannot stand the idea of eating those outside food for so long.

Recently even worse, I spent a few afternoon planning for a sabah trip that is only 4 days 3 nights .. she is so used to me being busy that now she seldom complains ..

She does her work without being told...she laughs on her own when she watches her TV .. everything she can do it on her own... I shd make amendments soon.... very sad when I think abt this ..

Mutual support

2010-09-16T07:04:00.000-07:00

Dh will be touching down SG in 3 hours time. In this new job, he travels alot .. recently he has been out alternate weeks ...

Last night, he called back .. considered routine call .... he sighs quite a bit .. he hopes he does not need to travel that much .. cos his local work is piling up .. you see, when he travels, he has to handle the stuff in that country, plus there are work in local country to be done too ...

Somehow, I feel very sad .. pity him a little, cos he is the only person working to support the family of four. I am not a big spender .. all the more so when I am only a stay at home mother, who doesn't need working clothes, working shoes, working bags, cosmetic etc .. and I do not go facial, hair salon etc too. Money is not really an issue yet, but somehow he wants to have a better life for the kids so he is working hard for their future. It is like he feels like resting, but cannot rest.

I see alot of supportive husbands around me .. some goes to school to pick kids up with the wives, some brings the kids out every weekend etc .. not that my husband is not supportive .. he is, totally, but sometimes he cannot be around .. sometimes he is too busy and tired ... so I commented in FB and glad (oops) that there are alot of other busy husbands around. However, I love it that one of my friend commented, that we can, on the other hand, be supportive to them.

I don't know how to help him get out of this "extremely" busy life. He is basically a very family oriented man, but cos of this busy job, he cannot devote more time to the family. He often feels stress , very stress, till he aches all over. What can I do ?????

家變

2010-08-31T08:11:00.000-07:00

題目夠驚人吧。別擔心，不是我的家。。。幾天前就想在這裡吐苦水了。。。但是，時間夜了，就不記得了。剛才1個鐘前才跟我媽通過電話。。。

我外婆不知何時開始，慢慢被老人癡呆症“侵襲”了。近幾年，更是退化到像嬰兒般，不會自己吃不會自己暍不會自己如厠。。。原本就是外公一人陪她，和照顧她，但最近外公跌倒了，自己也不方便做這麼多了。我媽媽，阿姨們，舅舅開始他們的輪班製。。。媽媽顧白天，二姨放工來喂飯，三姨陪過夜。

最近，媽媽在哪兒很不開心。。剛才还說在哪兒是一整天都不說話的，因為外公說我媽會氣死他。

我跟表妹談過，她說，我二姨也是會被外公嘮叨不停。。。是老人脾氣。。我於是勸我媽。。。媽媽才說。。。。

外公常常嘮叨她，沒讀書，沒錢，沒本事，沒學問。他不相信我媽說得話，做事的方法。。還要我媽聽他的，因為他會教她。但阿姨說得，他有聽。

外公不信任媽媽的辦事能力，但他越幫越忙。比如，外婆拉屎，邊走去廁所，邊拉。外公不信任她做，也來幫忙扶著外婆上廁所。。但外公不知踩到外婆的屎尿，还踏遍全家。既然，家裡的地上骯髒，幫外婆洗腳也沒用，那我媽先把外婆清洗乾淨，穿上褲子，就去抹地，才去洗外婆的腳。外公反而罵她不把外婆的紙尿布穿好，去顧地上幹甚麼。

外公也好幾天都穿同樣的衣褲，整天抽煙不停，整個家都是煙味，有誰能待上一整天？衣褲不換，基本衛生沒了，媽媽怎麼敢在哪兒吃喝？

不止，外公說阿姨們做工，累了還要去照顧他們很可憐，但因為媽媽平日沒做工，就是很空閒。加上，阿姨們有自己的家和小孩要照顧，我弟弟33歲了，外公就覺得不須要看顧。可是，在媽媽心裡，不管孩子多大都是小的，在加上我弟弟還沒有老婆幫照顧，我媽媽也和爸爸離婚了，所以只有媽媽和弟弟同一屋檐下，媽媽如果常不在家，弟弟就是孤零零一個人。

現在，媽媽在哪兒，沒跟外公講話。。想必，日子一定很難過。整天吸二手煙也不是好事。兩個老人也不要請人來幫。。。這個難題怎麼解？

最讓我難過的是，外公會批評我媽媽沒讀書，沒知識，沒錢等。。。她是最大的，以前家裡窮，她應該是幫忙家裡，才沒去念書。。。這又怪得了她？

成長的過程

2010-05-08T09:51:00.000-07:00

Its going to be three months since I last post. Actually, I have been wanting to let go my feelings, frustrations, whatever whatever here for a couple of times before now, but just did not get to do it, cos I have two friends sharing the bad times with me.

Why did I come now? Cos I miss the time when me and husband were dating. I am seeing pictures of my niece and her bf ... so loving. Before that, one of my good friend had her birthday surprise from her hubby, so I envy lah. I asked my dh last night, will our relationship goes into plain water stage. He actually replied "no". However, deep in my heart, I feel it is almost there.

My sister in law told me that she read it somewhere, that hugging daily with hubby will actually improves the couple's relationship and they have been doing it. I did tell my dh that, but I cannot remember the response he gave me. Anyway, we did not carry it out. Sometimes, I think we both do not even exchange more than 10 sentences a day. I guess most people will think it is alright hor, since man goes to the office and not at home most of the time.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel that I owe him alot. He has to work to pay for all the bills, and he has to be the driver all the time, and he has to buy this housewife a laptop where she just use it for silly purposes etc. On the other hand, sometimes I feel that I do not owe him alot, cos I work later than him, I have less ME time and I have to sacrifice my sleep sometimes to get ME time (on the pc only). Don't know, very contradicting.

Deep down, I wish we can be a little more loving. Sitting closer when watching TV, sleeping closer on the bed, doing housework together. How do you feel when you see a couple, each taking an end of a 3 seater? or each taking an end of a King size bed?

又來避風港

2010-02-22T07:33:00.000-08:00

很久沒來了。不是沒事情發生，而是當時不能上網，事情過了，沒那種心情就發泄不出來。

我一直在想，我對孩子的要求會不會太高。今晚，他的兩篇功課做了兩小時。我開始罵，罵久了，老公也來罵。看到孩子忍著淚水，我心痛了，叫老公不要罵了。教著教著，我又罵，老公也來罵，我又看到孩子那表情，我又教老公不要罵。。。這樣的情形發生好幾遍，老公就說“我不教了，以後都你教”。

好不容易，孩子做完了。在床上，他哭了起來。他說他怕爸爸丟東西（老公把他的作業丟地上，也說如果他在星期一至五玩玩具，就會把玩具丟掉）。我難過。我哭了。我沒有讓兒子知道我哭。兒子也是常在我們罵他時，憋著不哭。我知道那種憋著的痛苦，所以我為他心痛。小孩一個，就不能自由的發泄。我很擔心，他的自尊心會被我們罵到變零，怕他會象我自信心偏低。

我抱了抱躺著的他，安慰他，叫他睡覺。

一切都是我。如果我沒罵，老公不會聽到，不會過來也罵。又是我，不敢跟老公說，不要在孩子面前丟東西了。

試問，有那一個老婆象我這樣，那麼多東西不敢同老公說。不想了。鼻子都塞住了。哭了就過了。

怎麼我就愛哭？

2009-09-22T05:04:00.000-07:00

又是發泄時間－－我又哭了。

今天是我出水痘的第七天。身上真的很多水痘，很多大大的水痘。又逢大姨媽要到訪的時候，大概心情不是很好，卻又聽到一則新訊息－－那就是“如果我要水痘快點好，我最好不要吃飯”。再加上，我會出那麼多，是因為我“熱“，”挨夜“。

我跟老公就開始討論關於我熱的問題。。。為甚麼我熱，但不會吃一點兒花生就生暗瘡。。，如我體弱，為甚麼沒常常生病。。。越說越難過，我就進房里哭了。

每次我哭，最好是不出聲，反正出聲也沒人會理，會安慰。孩子知到我哭，告知老公。。。沒反應沒關係，已預料中，但出去吃藥時，老公問，難過甚麼，說几句都不可以嗎？我沒回答，因為還在哭，但心想，可以，但我難過就不可以嗎？

上回我病了十多天，也是被說“你熱啦，你挨夜啦，這個啦，那個啦”，難道我要生病嗎？是不是我生病，麻煩很多人，自己很輕鬆，家裡大小事要人家做，麻煩了人家？那對不起大家。。以後別做，累積起來給我做吧。我造成很多不便，最好我別生病是吧。

水痘是孩子傳給我的。。那早知他們甚麼大小事都叫老公做，那我不是可能不被傳染到了嗎？

鳥兒回巢的感覺

2009-09-07T19:25:00.000-07:00

心情又不漂亮了。昨晚跟澳洲來的好朋友吃飯。六點三我就飛出門，趕赴七點的約。很開心，看到很多穿著漂亮衣服的人，Orchard road 的變化。。。我就象足了山巴佬。吃飯前，想把手機放桌上，怕聽不到家人的來電，但怕忘記拿回家所以还是沒那麼做，只是把包包放旁邊，希望聽得到。有想過我會有可能聽不到，但我告訴自己，放開吧，家裡有老公看著。就這樣，我沒有定時拿電話出來察看。大概是遲了，餐館人少了，我聽見電話鈴响，原來我有五個missed call. 趕緊打回家。是孩子要和我說晚安但他們試找我一小時了，我都沒聽他們的電話，讓他們三個都擔心了。

從那時起，我就被內疚感困擾到現在。所以希望“說”了出來會好一點。每一次，自己出去，感覺好像把家人丟一邊，家務事不管，自己去快活，感覺不好受。

唉，說出來了，還是內疚啊。好啦，希望家務事能麻醉一下，讓時間沖淡這內疚感吧。

夜深人靜就胡思亂想？

2009-07-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Two times in a row. Boy fuss and cry during swimming lessons. Threatens to quit. I am stressed. Its my kids' lesson, not me, y shd I be stressed. I am almost stressed at every of the swimming lessons. When I complain abt being stressed, hubby then said angrily "這樣辛苦，全部不去吧”。But its for the good of the kids to take these lessons. They are only taking music and swimming. 難道我訴苦的自由和權力都沒有了嗎？Luckily boy only fuss for swimming lesson...but that is more impt to a boy than anything!

Cried a couple of times this month. In one occasion, the kids cried with me. Same old issues, kids don't want to do work, or I am too stressed with "no time to do work with them". Shd I make the kids follow my routine? I have to prep for dinner at certain time means I have to prep for dinner, so how can I not get angry when I tried to do work with him at my spare time and he doesn't want to cooperate? Should I be guilty that I am spending time using PC now, instead of sleeping so that I am in perfect condition to service my family? That will brings me to think am allowing too much personal time for myself. Maybe I shd start with only allowing myself only 2 hours daily? I must learn to cramp in 1. watching the news, 2. checking emails, 3. reading blogs, 4. watching TV programs besides news and 5. eating my meals. How I wish that sacrificing my sleep time to have more personal time is alright.

What would happen if there is a test that I can take so that I can see if I pass or fail as a mother and wife. A test that can tell if I shd spend more time on the family and made more sacrifices (meaning now not enough lah, or did I make any sacrifices at all?). BUT I know I will be very very extremely depress if I fail this test. 你說我是不是屁股癢！明明知道自己斤兩有多少的，還要一個證明，讓自己丟臉，難過。

哭了。我只會哭。畏縮，逃避我也一流。我就是不會進步。我會不會到死那天都沒開竅？我覺得我現在做某些事情，怎麼去做都會影響我孩子的將來。那種叫壓力嗎？說到底，我是那種不希望負責任的弱女人。這，怎麼配得上做人母和人妻呢？哎呀，重看這段，我已不懂我自己在說些甚麼了。如果我再不去睡覺，我就更對不起家人了。

------ Below is added in yr 2011, after discovering a document containing what I want to blog abt, and the document is dated July 2009, so added into this post for record purposes.

I have to blog this .. I had these types of feeling (feeling of sadness) for many occasions liao.

Today's case, teacher say JA pushed a classmate. I gently scold the boy and ask him to tell teacher he will not do it again. I feel very sad when I ask him to do this. Is not that I wanted to cover his mistake .. but I am not sure if that is the case. My boy is no doubt mischevious, and of cos these are little things that shd not be allowed... but still I feel sad. When I questioned him on the way home, he said he did not push the boy, its just a simple tap .. anyway I am sad that he is mischievious but on the other hand, I am worried I will diminish his self esteem with my constant scolding. A grandma of my girl's classmate told me, that I shd not scold my boy for every little thing, and that if the "thing" is not life threatening or dangerous, let him be. She said she has been there and done that and now his son has very low self esteem and she regrets scolding her son all the time.

Deep down inside me, I knew JA has changed alot, for the better. He is not as mischevious as his nursery days or even K1 days. He has grown older and do understand what he should not do .. haiz .. I do not know what I am talking make sense .. but I feel very bad .. its like when he get bully, i also scold him, when he bully pp , he also get scolded ... so anyway he also kenna.

This brings me to write down two things here. He came home with a black face yday. I asked why, and he told me 3 of his team mates kept all the toys and did not share a single bit with him. When he take some, they snatch away from him. For this incident, i told him to play with others since they are not willing to share but he said he only want to construct cars with the bricks (and this is his fav play). As one of the 3 kids are known to be quite a problem, I told him to stay away from this friend and just choose other things to play, and then he cried. While crying, I am still lecturing away.

The other thing I want to jot down, is the case of him being hit on the head with a rather thick wooden stick (construction toys in school) by one of the classmate (which is one of the 3 mentioned above). All I did when the teacher told me abt it, was answer the teacher politely and say "its ok". The next day after the incident, he ran a fever. I updated the school and of cos the school is kan cheong. So he missed the last two days of school before the school holiday and the case is close when i told the school on the last day that he shd be fine.

So, shd I be the one to be blamed? Big cases like this I take it lightly, he pushed other kids, i scold him and make him apologise to teacher again (he shd already have done that in school). The kid did not even fall down or got hurt in anywhere, but my son got a bump from that hit by the thick stick.

梦

2009-03-09T15:54:00.000-07:00

梦，是反映潜意识吗？梦，是日有所思夜有所梦吗？

我哭着醒了，因梦里和老公吵得很厉害。昨天又梦见我们吵到需要接受辅导。到底怎么了？现实，我们不知多好。怪。

正好，七点了。要准备孩子上学了。

2009-03-02T00:42:00.000-08:00

I am very angry, very mess up inside. Am I pushing my boy too much, am i too strict?

I have finished ironing at ard 330 .. i rest for a while and wanted to look through his homework .. i purposely wait till he finish his 15 minutes keyboard playing (not really practicing his yamaha music somemore!). Finally saw him wandering ard the house so I ask him to sit down with me, but he keep asking me to bring him down for cycling, for playground, for bubbles and when I teach him how to add two numbers , he is not focusing.

My throat hurts from scolding him the whole day today. He has been to my mother's place liao, and has played ice there, why is he keep thinking abt playing. He did played with his lego toys when he got back from my mother's house too .. the whole afternoon today, he only did half an hour of worksheet. The rest is spend on watching TV, playing his toys, and alot of time I am scolding him but I guess he wasn't listening much.

I am not sure am i too strict on him, but I think base on his character , i need to be stricter to set the pace. If given too much leeway he ask for more the next time.

Very sad and angry! Now time to fetch the girl.

看太多连续剧了

2009-02-25T10:28:00.000-08:00

夜深了。老公不在。想他。看港片，有classical music,觉得非常好听，不知是谁的音乐。
看港片里的爱情故事，好浪漫，好想身在其中。
我想我不怎么会做我老公的好太太，因为我是个大懒虫，又不会煮，又不会做家务，又帮不上他在工作上的事。我，还有很多缺点，但我觉得，我很爱他。可惜这份爱，不论多大，多深，都不能弥补我的过失和缺点。老公，我给的爱足够了吗？唉，我想做小女人，有人照顾，疼爱。

儿子翅膀硬了!

2009-02-17T22:15:00.000-08:00

很烦啊。儿子一直吵着要玩具。功课又不做，反正该做的不做就是了.这个儿子长大了,很会求东西,一会儿要手表,一会儿又说要大的书包,又要雨伞....我不知我以后还有能力管教他吗.
今天又有人跟我说,儿子是应该顽皮一点的! 她已是第二个了. 正巧她和先前那位的两个孙子都相当调皮, 调皮程度不得到我的认同. 有一次,当她在骂她孙子时,那孙子向她吐口水! 她也不纠正孙子. 难道这就叫"应该顽皮一点"吗?

Am I lazy ?

2009-02-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

In the day time, its just me and the kids ... to be health concious .. its usually steam dishes when they are very young .. even veges are steamed .. like broccoli, long beans .. no complains.

Now that they are older .. they have tasted the savoury stir fried vege dishes .. steam veges are always rejected .. but I still do steam dishes .. I just steam rice, steam fishes like salmon, cod .. and have to do a stir fry vege dish .. these dishes usually do not take alot of time, so I have a little more buffer to do other stuff ..

like today .. its just steam cod and cucumber stirfry with egg .. simple and not alot of time required .. so I can steal 15 minutes on the PC, did some laundry and even a 20 minutes bicycle ride for my girl ..

Am I lazy to just do simple dishes for the kids? But i get more time if I do so this way ... I am now thinking abt buying a steamer .. so that I do not need to watch the fire ...

我那杂乱的心情

2009-01-16T07:41:00.000-08:00

我又来了。现在的我，感觉好寂寞，超寂寞。孩子睡了，我该很开心，有时间做我想做的事。平时我是很开心，但今天，不知是不是月事关系，我觉得很寂寞，心情怪怪的，提不起劲做任何事，只想找人倾诉。

这几天频频骂儿子。骂了他后，心真的很痛。其实那些我看不顺眼的是些小事，不应该发那么大的脾气但就是不知哪儿来的无名火。不过虽是小事但也得教，只是我的方法一定是大错特错。他不该顶撞回我，还有。。。哎呀忘了。。。总之他有不对，我也太严了吧。希望我学习控制自己吧。

save the cows

2009-01-16T06:36:00.000-08:00

Chinese news at 10 mentioned a lady saves cow from being slaughter n provide a place for them to retire in peace. If she manage to save all cows, then we might be facing beef price increase problem.

我也想浪漫

2009-01-14T07:29:00.000-08:00

刚看完我表妹到埃及的照片，看到他与老公小两口的合照，我好不羡慕。我好久没和老公手牵手搭肩合影了。不知何时我能抛下两个小冬瓜和老公浪漫去。不过，浪漫这种事，并非我老公的那杯茶。不象我朋友，孩子睡了，找人看管，小两口出去看部半夜场电影，有些去喝东西，不能出去的，就在家里沙发上肩并肩，握着手，欣赏。我和他的婚姻道路还有那么长，不知会象白开水还是酒。你想叫我主动些吗？我有啊，可能不够吧。但很多事一个巴掌拍不响的嘛。心情不好，大姨妈将即吧！原谅我的牢骚。

Its all the fault of CNY

2008-12-26T07:24:00.000-08:00

I have to rant. I'll have been shopping ard but I still cant find "attire" for CNY.
I have too much restriction, plus the current body size, alot of nice looking clothes doesn't look nice on me anymore.

Tired to drag my kids along to shop too .. such a hassle.

我曾拥有吗？

2008-12-24T08:07:00.000-08:00

刚看完我表妹的facebook 照片。。。看到的是一个快乐，漂亮的女孩。我曾告诉她，我羡慕她，不过她说我也曾是过来人。我只能同意一半。我是曾经二十多岁过，但好象日子没她快乐，多姿多彩。我并没有早婚，但婚后自然赶在三十岁前生子，然后我就为一对儿女而活了。希望以后孩子大了，我还能追逐我想追逐的梦。我看我还是继续做白日梦吧。

Busy and happy

2008-12-22T10:13:00.000-08:00

Another year is coming to an end .. nothing much achieved this year and I am not very happy about it.

Nothing improved, not even my weight. Its quite torturing to see those around me dressing up so nicely for the festive while I can't even find a nice outfit for CNY. Nothing look nice on my plump body. Been wasting my time dragging my kids and dh with me shopping around for nothing. I really hate CNY.

Not too sure why, I started my spring cleaning early so that I have ample time to finish what I shd, but still its end Dec and nothing much has been done. These last two weeks has been most busy cos a last minute decision to tag along with hubby to KL so that he can bring the kids to genting over the weekend when he is not working burnt away some days. Then there are loads of washing to do when we came back.

I also won 4 tickets to "fly" on singapore flyer, and had 2 complimentary entry to public swimming pool (which I aim to use it for Jurong swimming pool) expiring end of this year. Plus we just came back from a weekend stay at sheraton. DH exchanged points for the stay cos the points are expiring too. So the kids are enjoying themselves with the hotel stays. I still have to make time to bring them to tanglin for some "snow fun". Its just a few more days away from school reopen. *sigh* tiring but as long as the kids are happy, I am happy.

It is also very long since I had a real holiday, and this weekend stay, I really feel like holiday. We went bugis junction to shop and hubby brought the kids back to hotel first while I continue my shopping after dinner till 9pm. Its really the first time I feel so happy, able to have some time on my own and not worrying abt the kids. Too bad its always more hardwork after happiness (ie the laundry and other housework).

Stress

2008-10-24T10:35:00.000-07:00

Everyone has stress .... including stay at home mums. Now, I
am stress from bad time management (never good at it), and
recently, feeling stress with a hardworking husband. He reads
alot, and are serious books like financial books, self
improvement books .. while me, only at cook books.
He can take a long time to read papers, and almost all sections,
from local news, to world news, to financial, to sports, while
me just like the KPO news on entertainment. Sounds like I am
a good for nothing. 一点也不长进。

I am not sure if I can keep up with my hubby. We may drift
apart if we go on like this. I do not know what we have in
common, besides the two kids ... :-(

我也有十年了

2008-10-15T11:18:00.000-07:00

刚看到朋友提到她今年10th year anniversary了。不知她是纪念订婚十年，还是结婚十年，还是拍拖十年。但我今年结婚十年了。戒指克着DDMM98. 我的结婚十年纪念日已过，但并没有什么仪式。再过一个半月，结婚十年纪念“年”也将走进历史。是有那么一点点难过，但老公说还有很多个十年呢。我以为已经对“那些特别日子不被老公重视”的感觉麻木了，怎么还会难过呢？

enjoying life ?

2008-10-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

Me ? Not really. But I have a friend telling me how she would
like to enjoy life like me. However, I did not know I have a life
that I can enjoy leh (ok, I do occassionally) .

I wake up early like every working adult does, except I do
manual jobs instead of sitting infront of the PC (on a cushioned
chair) in an air con environment. What manual jobs? Imagine
the cleaning lady that drops by your office, the cleaning
lady in the laundry shop, the chef in the hawker centre, the
teacher in the childcare etc. I think I hardly sit down accept
the 30 minutes per meal time (making sure my kids eat) and
the time I spent infront of my PC (on cushioned chair, luckily)
which is usually at night after the kids sleep.

I am not complaining. I have to be in this job, cos I really
don't like to compete and "fight" in the working world. I
am not very competent, so I guess I am better off as a
SAHM where I do not need to compete with anyone.
Anyway, I guess competition do exist in SAHM world, if
I want to 钻牛角尖。 I have to ask myself, how come other
SAHM can manage the household so well alone, homeschool
their kids, cook nice delicious meals, etc etc ... while me ....

Aiya, I think I have to 认命. 我就是不比人家好啦。But I guess
I should try to improve on it soon ... to be on the positive side.

stupid mood

2008-10-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

Its late, 220am, but its the usual time I sleep almost daily.
Tired but moody... has been almost 2 weeks. I thot it will come
and go as my "大姨妈” is round the corner earlier on, but now
that it has come and gone, I am still moody. I don't know what's
wrong but this is the place where I can talk to myself since
my friends are mostly not free now.

very 烦 leh. The meals are badly prepared, all cos I am moody.
When I am not in good mood, I am not in the mood to do
anything, so everything from meals to the housework are not
done in proper. Fed up. Have not been touching my baking and
beading too. Could it be early menopause?

Hope my mood will change for the better soon.

Now I think I shd go sleep, else I will have to drown
myself with coffee again.

I got to shop for PLUS sizes?

2008-10-03T10:33:00.000-07:00

Been window shopping online .. nothing suits me, at least not
those within my budget. I have small breast, big waist, bigger
tummy. Some size charts just use height and bust size, so
worry that the waist can't fit. Got to look for those loose loose
cutting but usually those slim fit cutting looks nicer in the
pictures.

Was telling hubby just now .. old man, big tummy, rich, still
got woman want (even if it is for the money), but old woman,
think will not be so lucky if she is with big tummy.

Did try to do exercise .. doing sit up nightly for two months
few months ago, but suffer neck problem, perhaps method
not correct ? anyway, must work harder to get myself slim
down a little .. I am already wearing XL size pants!

不要喊可以吗？

2008-09-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

Who do you think said that? Me to the kids? Wrong. My hubby
said that to me, while I am outside preparing dinner.

I know it is no good to shout. All parenting magazines and books
say that, but can you imagine, with kids doing dangerous stunts
all the time, fighting all the time, how many times can I leave
the task I am doing and speak to them softly infront of them?
Somemore, its no use speaking softly to them if I am not near
enough, cos they will be playing or fighting so loudly that nothing
will be heard.

Sick

2008-09-23T11:34:00.000-07:00

Started with hubby, then the boy got it, then me.
Whenever hubby get sick and it spreads, he will blame himself.
Who wants to spread germs right? But as a parent, there is
nothing much you can do, cos you still got to stay in the same
house, accept different rooms.

Sigh, my boy, fever 6 days, now only recovering. Seen doctor
twice, got 4 days MC in total. Me still flu-ing away too ..

Quite proud of myself. Whenever family members get ill,
they tend to sleep more but me? I still got to run the
household, from daily laundry to meals. Can you imagine,
when I told my mother that I may buy dinner from outside
on the day I had fever, she asked me "You sick till you cant
cook?". *sigh* So, my kids get simple home cook dishes.
I did get a 45minutes nap on the first day of fever, but I
wake up regularly to monitor my boy's fever leh.

Anyway I seldom fall sick, and actually nothing to proud of
since what I did are the normal SAHM duties which all SAHM
are capable or better than I am.

Sometimes I wonder, if I am too sick to cook, who would then
cook for my kids who are sick too (and shd avoid outside food) ...

House keeping

2008-09-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

Making space for kids' stuff, so trying to dispose the old
magazines. They are my treasures leh, but got to go lah, else
I really have no more place to put the books that I just took
over from hubby's cousin.

Those are home and decor magazines .. some of them are
almost 10 years old (dated 1999!) so can you see what a
person I am? After this lot, I have to clear my magazines
that I bought from HK. Those are fashion magazines, so
definitely useless now, but I kept them cos I bought those on
my first trip to Hong Kong and Hong Kong is one of my
favourite country.

I think I really have to do more frequent housekeeping, else
I will end up like my mother, a whole room of junks
(or treasures, depending on how I see it).

Am I that bad?

2008-08-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

Realise I did not have much friends in facebook. OK, I really
seldom use facebook anyway, but .... I realise, alot of my
ex-colleagues are friends with each other but not me ...

Not sure what's wrong with me .. I did not back stab them,
nor did I bad mouth abt them ... nor did I ...

Anyway my character is such, if I know I am not being regarded
as friend, then I shall not go disturb them. I am still hoping
to have gatherings with them .. I shall not hope for that from
now on.

我想瘦一点

2008-08-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

我觉得我太胖了。好想瘦些些。其实我并不是大吃大喝那种，平
时就是爱吃点零食，难道那一点享受都要剥夺吗？

leaving baby at home or using a stroller

2008-08-04T09:05:00.000-07:00

Read an article yesterday on papers. Its roughly about
complains that parents with strollers are generally
inconveniencing others. Some mentioned that the parents did
not fold their strollers in a crowded train, using the strollers to
push their ways through crowds, hurt the person's leg infront
of the stroller ... etc. One even commented
that "baby should be left at home".

Am quite sad to see these comments. I am a mother myself
but I seldom use the stroller since it is really inconvenient to
use. Its quite heavy to support the stroller with the baby
while on the escalator, and it is definitely troublesome when
met with staircases.

Anyway there could be many reasons why there are cases of
strollers not folded in a crowded train. It could be that the
mother has her hands full .. imagine having to carry the baby,
managing a big bag of baby related stuff, then trying to fold
the stroller?

Similarly there could also be many reasons why the stroller
knocked into your heels. It could be that the walker has slowed
down the speed of walking? So usually when I use the stroller,
I keep my distance away from the person infront. Would I then
be called "road hog" ?

Would any mother risk her baby in the stroller and use the
stroller to push her way through the crowd? unless the baby
is not inside the stroller.

Leaving baby at home ? Perhaps the mother has no choice,
with no one to help her look after the baby and she has to run
errands ... how can she leave the baby at home then?

I think one really has to go through the stage before one can
understand what's going on at that stage.