夜深人靜就胡思亂想？

Two times in a row. Boy fuss and cry during swimming lessons. Threatens to quit. I am stressed. Its my kids' lesson, not me, y shd I be stressed. I am almost stressed at every of the swimming lessons. When I complain abt being stressed, hubby then said angrily "這樣辛苦，全部不去吧”。But its for the good of the kids to take these lessons. They are only taking music and swimming. 難道我訴苦的自由和權力都沒有了嗎？Luckily boy only fuss for swimming lesson...but that is more impt to a boy than anything!

Cried a couple of times this month. In one occasion, the kids cried with me. Same old issues, kids don't want to do work, or I am too stressed with "no time to do work with them". Shd I make the kids follow my routine? I have to prep for dinner at certain time means I have to prep for dinner, so how can I not get angry when I tried to do work with him at my spare time and he doesn't want to cooperate? Should I be guilty that I am spending time using PC now, instead of sleeping so that I am in perfect condition to service my family? That will brings me to think am allowing too much personal time for myself. Maybe I shd start with only allowing myself only 2 hours daily? I must learn to cramp in 1. watching the news, 2. checking emails, 3. reading blogs, 4. watching TV programs besides news and 5. eating my meals. How I wish that sacrificing my sleep time to have more personal time is alright.

What would happen if there is a test that I can take so that I can see if I pass or fail as a mother and wife. A test that can tell if I shd spend more time on the family and made more sacrifices (meaning now not enough lah, or did I make any sacrifices at all?). BUT I know I will be very very extremely depress if I fail this test. 你說我是不是屁股癢！明明知道自己斤兩有多少的，還要一個證明，讓自己丟臉，難過。

哭了。我只會哭。畏縮，逃避我也一流。我就是不會進步。我會不會到死那天都沒開竅？我覺得我現在做某些事情，怎麼去做都會影響我孩子的將來。那種叫壓力嗎？說到底，我是那種不希望負責任的弱女人。這，怎麼配得上做人母和人妻呢？哎呀，重看這段，我已不懂我自己在說些甚麼了。如果我再不去睡覺，我就更對不起家人了。


------ Below is added in yr 2011, after discovering a document containing what I want to blog abt, and the document is dated July 2009, so added into this post for record purposes.

I have to blog this .. I had these types of feeling (feeling of sadness) for many occasions liao.

Today's case, teacher say JA pushed a classmate. I gently scold the boy and ask him to tell teacher he will not do it again. I feel very sad when I ask him to do this. Is not that I wanted to cover his mistake .. but I am not sure if that is the case. My boy is no doubt mischevious, and of cos these are little things that shd not be allowed... but still I feel sad. When I questioned him on the way home, he said he did not push the boy, its just a simple tap .. anyway I am sad that he is mischievious but on the other hand, I am worried I will diminish his self esteem with my constant scolding. A grandma of my girl's classmate told me, that I shd not scold my boy for every little thing, and that if the "thing" is not life threatening or dangerous, let him be. She said she has been there and done that and now his son has very low self esteem and she regrets scolding her son all the time. 

Deep down inside me, I knew JA has changed alot, for the better. He is not as mischevious as his nursery days or even K1 days. He has grown older and do understand what he should not do .. haiz .. I do not know what I am talking make sense .. but I feel very bad .. its like when he get bully, i also scold him, when he bully pp , he also get scolded ... so anyway he also kenna.

This brings me to write down two things here. He came home with a black face yday. I asked why, and he told me 3 of his team mates kept all the toys and did not share a single bit with him. When he take some, they snatch away from him. For this incident, i told him to play with others since they are not willing to share but he said he only want to construct cars with the bricks (and this is his fav play). As one of the 3 kids are known to be quite a problem, I told him to stay away from this friend and just choose other things to play, and then he cried. While crying, I am still lecturing away. 

The other thing I want to jot down, is the case of him being hit on the head with a rather thick wooden stick (construction toys in school) by one of the classmate (which is one of the 3 mentioned above). All I did when the teacher told me abt it, was answer the teacher politely and say "its ok". The next day after the incident, he ran a fever. I updated the school and of cos the school is kan cheong. So he missed the last two days of school before the school holiday and the case is close when i told the school on the last day that he shd be fine. 

So, shd I be the one to be blamed? Big cases like this I take it lightly, he pushed other kids, i scold him and make him apologise to teacher again (he shd already have done that in school). The kid did not even fall down or got hurt in anywhere, but my son got a bump from that hit by the thick stick.