家變

題目夠驚人吧。別擔心，不是我的家。。。幾天前就想在這裡吐苦水了。。。但是，時間夜了，就不記得了。剛才1個鐘前才跟我媽通過電話。。。

我外婆不知何時開始，慢慢被老人癡呆症“侵襲”了。近幾年，更是退化到像嬰兒般，不會自己吃不會自己暍不會自己如厠。。。原本就是外公一人陪她，和照顧她，但最近外公跌倒了，自己也不方便做這麼多了。我媽媽，阿姨們，舅舅開始他們的輪班製。。。媽媽顧白天，二姨放工來喂飯，三姨陪過夜。

最近，媽媽在哪兒很不開心。。剛才还說在哪兒是一整天都不說話的，因為外公說我媽會氣死他。

我跟表妹談過，她說，我二姨也是會被外公嘮叨不停。。。是老人脾氣。。我於是勸我媽。。。媽媽才說。。。。

外公常常嘮叨她，沒讀書，沒錢，沒本事，沒學問。他不相信我媽說得話，做事的方法。。還要我媽聽他的，因為他會教她。但阿姨說得，他有聽。

外公不信任媽媽的辦事能力，但他越幫越忙。比如，外婆拉屎，邊走去廁所，邊拉。外公不信任她做，也來幫忙扶著外婆上廁所。。但外公不知踩到外婆的屎尿，还踏遍全家。既然，家裡的地上骯髒，幫外婆洗腳也沒用，那我媽先把外婆清洗乾淨，穿上褲子，就去抹地，才去洗外婆的腳。外公反而罵她不把外婆的紙尿布穿好，去顧地上幹甚麼。

外公也好幾天都穿同樣的衣褲，整天抽煙不停，整個家都是煙味，有誰能待上一整天？衣褲不換，基本衛生沒了，媽媽怎麼敢在哪兒吃喝？

不止，外公說阿姨們做工，累了還要去照顧他們很可憐，但因為媽媽平日沒做工，就是很空閒。加上，阿姨們有自己的家和小孩要照顧，我弟弟33歲了，外公就覺得不須要看顧。可是，在媽媽心裡，不管孩子多大都是小的，在加上我弟弟還沒有老婆幫照顧，我媽媽也和爸爸離婚了，所以只有媽媽和弟弟同一屋檐下，媽媽如果常不在家，弟弟就是孤零零一個人。

現在，媽媽在哪兒，沒跟外公講話。。想必，日子一定很難過。整天吸二手煙也不是好事。兩個老人也不要請人來幫。。。這個難題怎麼解？

最讓我難過的是，外公會批評我媽媽沒讀書，沒知識，沒錢 等。。。她是最大的，以前家裡窮，她應該是幫忙家裡，才沒去念書。。。這又怪得了她？

成長的過程

Its going to be three months since I last post. Actually, I have been wanting to let go my feelings, frustrations, whatever whatever here for a couple of times before now, but just did not get to do it, cos I have two friends sharing the bad times with me.

Why did I come now? Cos I miss the time when me and husband were dating. I am seeing pictures of my niece and her bf ... so loving. Before that, one of my good friend had her birthday surprise from her hubby, so I envy lah. I asked my dh last night, will our relationship goes into plain water stage. He actually replied "no". However, deep in my heart, I feel it is almost there.

My sister in law told me that she read it somewhere, that hugging daily with hubby will actually improves the couple's relationship and they have been doing it. I did tell my dh that, but I cannot remember the response he gave me. Anyway, we did not carry it out. Sometimes, I think we both do not even exchange more than 10 sentences a day. I guess most people will think it is alright hor, since man goes to the office and not at home most of the time.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel that I owe him alot. He has to work to pay for all the bills, and he has to be the driver all the time, and he has to buy this housewife a laptop where she just use it for silly purposes etc. On the other hand, sometimes I feel that I do not owe him alot, cos I work later than him, I have less ME time and I have to sacrifice my sleep sometimes to get ME time (on the pc only). Don't know, very contradicting.

Deep down, I wish we can be a little more loving. Sitting closer when watching TV, sleeping closer on the bed, doing housework together. How do you feel when you see a couple, each taking an end of a 3 seater? or each taking an end of a King size bed?

又來避風港

很久沒來了。不是沒事情發生，而是當時不能上網，事情過了，沒那種心情就發泄不出來。

我一直在想，我對孩子的要求會不會太高。今晚，他的兩篇功課做了兩小時。我開始罵，罵久了，老公也來罵。看到孩子忍著淚水，我心痛了，叫老公不要罵了。教著教著，我又罵，老公也來罵，我又看到孩子那表情，我又教老公不要罵 。。。這樣的情形發生好幾遍，老公就說“我不教了，以後都你教”。

好不容易，孩子做完了。在床上，他哭了起來。他說他怕爸爸丟東西（老公把他的作業丟地上，也說如果他在星期一至五玩玩具，就會把玩具丟掉）。我難過。我哭了。我沒有讓兒子知道我哭。兒子也是常在我們罵他時，憋著不哭。我知道那種憋著的痛苦，所以我為他心痛。小孩一個，就不能自由的發泄。我很擔心，他的自尊心會被我們罵到變零，怕他會象我自信心偏低。

我抱了抱躺著的他，安慰他，叫他睡覺。

一切都是我。如果我沒罵，老公不會聽到，不會過來也罵。又是我，不敢跟老公說，不要在孩子面前丟東西了。

試問，有那一個老婆象我這樣，那麼多東西不敢同老公說。不想了。鼻子都塞住了。哭了就過了。

怎麼我就愛哭？

又是發泄時間 －－ 我又哭了。

今天是我出水痘的第七天。身上真的很多水痘，很多大大的水痘。又逢大姨媽要到訪的時候，大概心情不是很好，卻又聽到一則新訊息 －－ 那就是“如果我要水痘快點好，我最好不要吃飯”。再加上，我會出那麼多，是因為我“熱“，”挨夜“。

我跟老公就開始討論關於我熱的問題。。。為甚麼我熱，但不會吃一點兒花生就生暗瘡。。，如我體弱，為甚麼沒常常生病。。。越說越難過，我就進房里哭了。

每次我哭，最好是不出聲， 反正出聲也沒人會理，會安慰。孩子知到我哭，告知老公。。。沒反應沒關係，已預料中，但出去吃藥時，老公問，難過甚麼，說几句都不可以嗎？我沒回答，因為還在哭，但心想，可以，但我難過就不可以嗎？

上回我病了十多天，也是被說“你熱啦，你挨夜啦，這個啦，那個啦”，難道我要生病嗎？是不是我生病，麻煩很多人，自己很輕鬆，家裡大小事要人家做，麻煩了人家？那對不起大家。。以後別做，累積起來給我做吧。我造成很多不便，最好我別生病是吧。

水痘是孩子傳給我的。。那早知他們甚麼大小事都叫老公做，那我不是可能不被傳染到了嗎？

鳥兒回巢的感覺

心情又不漂亮了。昨晚跟澳洲來的好朋友吃飯。六點三我就飛出門，趕赴七點的約。很開心，看到很多穿著漂亮衣服的人，Orchard road 的變化。。。我就象足了山巴佬。吃飯前，想把手機放桌上，怕聽不到家人的來電，但怕忘記拿回家所以还是沒那麼做，只是把包包放旁邊，希望聽得到。有想過我會有可能聽不到，但我告訴自己，放開吧，家裡有老公看著。就這樣，我沒有定時拿電話出來察看。大概是遲了，餐館人少了，我聽見電話鈴响，原來我有五個missed call. 趕緊打回家。是孩子要和我說晚安但他們試找我一小時了，我都沒聽他們的電話，讓他們三個都擔心了。

從那時起，我就被內疚感困擾到現在。所以希望“說”了出來會好一點。每一次，自己出去，感覺好像把家人丟一邊，家務事不管，自己去快活，感覺不好受。

唉，說出來了，還是內疚啊。好啦，希望家務事能麻醉一下，讓時間沖淡這內疚感吧。

夜深人靜就胡思亂想？

Two times in a row. Boy fuss and cry during swimming lessons. Threatens to quit. I am stressed. Its my kids' lesson, not me, y shd I be stressed. I am almost stressed at every of the swimming lessons. When I complain abt being stressed, hubby then said angrily "這樣辛苦，全部不去吧”。But its for the good of the kids to take these lessons. They are only taking music and swimming. 難道我訴苦的自由和權力都沒有了嗎？Luckily boy only fuss for swimming lesson...but that is more impt to a boy than anything!

Cried a couple of times this month. In one occasion, the kids cried with me. Same old issues, kids don't want to do work, or I am too stressed with "no time to do work with them". Shd I make the kids follow my routine? I have to prep for dinner at certain time means I have to prep for dinner, so how can I not get angry when I tried to do work with him at my spare time and he doesn't want to cooperate? Should I be guilty that I am spending time using PC now, instead of sleeping so that I am in perfect condition to service my family? That will brings me to think am allowing too much personal time for myself. Maybe I shd start with only allowing myself only 2 hours daily? I must learn to cramp in 1. watching the news, 2. checking emails, 3. reading blogs, 4. watching TV programs besides news and 5. eating my meals. How I wish that sacrificing my sleep time to have more personal time is alright.

What would happen if there is a test that I can take so that I can see if I pass or fail as a mother and wife. A test that can tell if I shd spend more time on the family and made more sacrifices (meaning now not enough lah, or did I make any sacrifices at all?). BUT I know I will be very very extremely depress if I fail this test. 你說我是不是屁股癢！明明知道自己斤兩有多少的，還要一個證明，讓自己丟臉，難過。

哭了。我只會哭。畏縮，逃避我也一流。我就是不會進步。我會不會到死那天都沒開竅？我覺得我現在做某些事情，怎麼去做都會影響我孩子的將來。那種叫壓力嗎？說到底，我是那種不希望負責任的弱女人。這，怎麼配得上做人母和人妻呢？哎呀，重看這段，我已不懂我自己在說些甚麼了。如果我再不去睡覺，我就更對不起家人了。


------ Below is added in yr 2011, after discovering a document containing what I want to blog abt, and the document is dated July 2009, so added into this post for record purposes.

I have to blog this .. I had these types of feeling (feeling of sadness) for many occasions liao.

Today's case, teacher say JA pushed a classmate. I gently scold the boy and ask him to tell teacher he will not do it again. I feel very sad when I ask him to do this. Is not that I wanted to cover his mistake .. but I am not sure if that is the case. My boy is no doubt mischevious, and of cos these are little things that shd not be allowed... but still I feel sad. When I questioned him on the way home, he said he did not push the boy, its just a simple tap .. anyway I am sad that he is mischievious but on the other hand, I am worried I will diminish his self esteem with my constant scolding. A grandma of my girl's classmate told me, that I shd not scold my boy for every little thing, and that if the "thing" is not life threatening or dangerous, let him be. She said she has been there and done that and now his son has very low self esteem and she regrets scolding her son all the time. 

Deep down inside me, I knew JA has changed alot, for the better. He is not as mischevious as his nursery days or even K1 days. He has grown older and do understand what he should not do .. haiz .. I do not know what I am talking make sense .. but I feel very bad .. its like when he get bully, i also scold him, when he bully pp , he also get scolded ... so anyway he also kenna.

This brings me to write down two things here. He came home with a black face yday. I asked why, and he told me 3 of his team mates kept all the toys and did not share a single bit with him. When he take some, they snatch away from him. For this incident, i told him to play with others since they are not willing to share but he said he only want to construct cars with the bricks (and this is his fav play). As one of the 3 kids are known to be quite a problem, I told him to stay away from this friend and just choose other things to play, and then he cried. While crying, I am still lecturing away. 

The other thing I want to jot down, is the case of him being hit on the head with a rather thick wooden stick (construction toys in school) by one of the classmate (which is one of the 3 mentioned above). All I did when the teacher told me abt it, was answer the teacher politely and say "its ok". The next day after the incident, he ran a fever. I updated the school and of cos the school is kan cheong. So he missed the last two days of school before the school holiday and the case is close when i told the school on the last day that he shd be fine. 

So, shd I be the one to be blamed? Big cases like this I take it lightly, he pushed other kids, i scold him and make him apologise to teacher again (he shd already have done that in school). The kid did not even fall down or got hurt in anywhere, but my son got a bump from that hit by the thick stick.

梦

梦，是反映潜意识吗？梦，是日有所思夜有所梦吗？

我哭着醒了，因梦里和老公吵得很厉害。昨天又梦见我们吵到需要接受辅导。到底怎么了？现实，我们不知多好。怪。

正好，七点了。要准备孩子上学了。