又來了

我又來到我的尋夢園避風港。。。原來臉書還不夠我發泄。。。

今日帶孩子到一個朋友家作客。原來我們的 “遭遇” 还 蠻相似。好比常常對事抱著希望，得到失望，然後絕望。。 哈哈。。

就快開學了。。女兒的校裙要等27號才有貨，老公頗有怨言，說我為甚麼不早一點買。 。 書本以為上網訂，到學校拿，怎麼知現在訂只能付費送貨而不能自己去拿。。現在就擔心27號那日買不齊。。就可能挨罵了。在讀我牢騷的讀者，你們一定以為我家有暴君？其實他不是啦。。。不過我這個小女人，臉皮薄，挨不了他不是很溫柔的遣責（我用詞好重哦）

其實是我怕他。。不知何故。。一直都是這樣 。。他會不會罵都還是未知數我就已經先怕了 。。唉 。。

”死“字

你說，是自己不夠幸福，還是自己不知足長樂？ 每當看到別人夫妻恩愛的照片，總是會羨慕（在看朋友和老公的照片咯）。唉，要怎麼樣我才學會知足？撇開這個不說。。。剛才，我惹兒子哭了。

忘記是怎麼開始，我只記得我在“趕工”，想在10點前做完家務事能看一下電視的十點新聞。所以，催他們刷牙上床睡覺。。然後我們就為了我現在想不起來的事吵了起來。兒子他一直強調我常把死字掛嘴邊。氣死我，忙死我，累死我等，都有用到“死”字嘛。他講我用的過多，死這個字會讓他很傷心。我在“趕工”，但看他哭哭鬧鬧，為了一個字發脾氣，我更氣。我停下了手上的工作，跟他理論，跟他說，“死”這個字不是壞字，只要用對地方就可。他死都不聽 （那！又得用了）。最後，他竟然像大人般說 “enough”，不要在跟我理論了。這個小孩，語氣常常都和大人一樣。吵架時，我还miss了一個call。我們停後，他还說“mummy，go and check your missed call”。你說像不像大人。

明天他有考試，希望今晚的事不會有甚麼影響。希望他考完，我會記得去查個究竟，為甚麼他那麼抗拒“死”字。是我以前教的嗎？

現在想想，全職母親不好当。出外做工做不好，影響應該沒有媽媽教不好兒子的影響大吧。真擔心我會不知不覺把一些不對不好的思想灌輸給他。怎麼辦呢？

We once agree to go HK disney, for the sake of our little girl. She is still little when we are there 3 yrs ago and not into princess yet. Now that she is into princess, I hope to bring her there again...

We are planning to go with sister in law, but year end, prices are high so in the end we are now going Sabah, because all of us wanted to bring our mil for a tour and she wanted Sabah. I told dh we will go next year, and keep a look out for promotions. And since it is only us (sil no longer want to go), I told dh we should just chk out last minute offer and just go if offer is good.

Came across Cathay Pacific newsletter a few days ago and highlighted to him there are promotions going on to Hong Kong. He is washing the dishes, and just muttered some sounds and that is it .. no proper answer, but yet I dare not approach the subject again.

Jetstar also has promo, flying one way to NZ costing like 300SG, and I told him while he is using his iphone... the answer is also rather blurred, something like don't know free or not, and I dare not approach the subject again ..

I thought we agree that I will look out for offers, and we can plan one tour. Yes, we have the Sabah one, but I wanted one that only has us 4. sigh ....

Communication

Today, sent a few sms to my hubby. Usually I am always afraid that I will burst the quota given, but this month I am far from that. Sometimes I sent him messages abt what my girl says which is rather hilarious, or little complains here and there. Today, our sms exchanges are abt two issue, 1) me not cooking and eating out, if he is ok, where and when to meet; 2) picking up a cookware set that I am given by participating in the 3M survey. I cannot count how many we have exchange cos lazy to get up to the phone at it's charging "station", but it is not really alot. One of the message towards the end read something like "Do not reply. Don't waste your sms".

It is a simple sentence, but perhaps of emo monster, I read more into it... I feel that I am asked to keep quiet. Anyway , ya I did.

His new job is so busy, that his mind is still on job when he is at home. He is usually tired and sleeps/doze easily. On other hand, I try to get what i want to get across at every possible moment, like when he stopped at traffic lights, when he is eating meals, other than these times, I feel that I am disturbing him. I ever wonder to myself, do we ever speak more than 10 sentences a day.

We originally wanted to go HK disney, but because of the high price, we intend to postpone to next year. I did mentioned to him that if he is serious, then I can always keep a lookout of offers.. and he say ok.

Recentky, Cathay has promotions. I told him while he is washing the dishes. He listens but did not say anythg after that. Just now I told him jetstar has promo to NZ... and he say, where got time to go, kids must ... I said the travel date can be somewhere next year, then nothing from him again after I stopped. Will we ever get to travel on our own?

My darling girl

I should be writing this post a few days ago .... when my feelings to be expressed into this post is so strong ...

I want to let out .. I feel I owe my girl alot ... during the morning, I will spare at least 30 minutes for my boy, to go thru his work with or without him. After hectic morning of preparing lunch, coaching etc, I have a long afternoon. During the afternoon, i will usually plan in alot of different housework, like washing toilet (30 minutes), mopping floor (45-1hr if no rinse), ironing (2hr, smtimes 1), and after these housework, there left not much time to spent with her as I need to prepare for dinner.

I feel guilty for not spending time with her, but when I have that 5 or 10 minutes, she may be reading on her own (she usually does that after her lunch while I am eating mine) and she would not want to be disturb.

I wish many times to stop cooking for a week or a month, so that i can free up some time daily for her .. but I cannot stand the idea of eating those outside food for so long.

Recently even worse, I spent a few afternoon planning for a sabah trip that is only 4 days 3 nights .. she is so used to me being busy that now she seldom complains ..

She does her work without being told...she laughs on her own when she watches her TV .. everything she can do it on her own... I shd make amendments soon.... very sad when I think abt this ..

Mutual support

Dh will be touching down SG in 3 hours time. In this new job, he travels alot .. recently he has been out alternate weeks ...

Last night, he called back .. considered routine call .... he sighs quite a bit .. he hopes he does not need to travel that much .. cos his local work is piling up .. you see, when he travels, he has to handle the stuff in that country, plus there are work in local country to be done too ...

Somehow, I feel very sad .. pity him a little, cos he is the only person working to support the family of four. I am not a big spender .. all the more so when I am only a stay at home mother, who doesn't need working clothes, working shoes, working bags, cosmetic etc .. and I do not go facial, hair salon etc too. Money is not really an issue yet, but somehow he wants to have a better life for the kids so he is working hard for their future. It is like he feels like resting, but cannot rest.

I see alot of supportive husbands around me .. some goes to school to pick kids up with the wives, some brings the kids out every weekend etc .. not that my husband is not supportive .. he is, totally, but sometimes he cannot be around .. sometimes he is too busy and tired ... so I commented in FB and glad (oops) that there are alot of other busy husbands around. However, I love it that one of my friend commented, that we can, on the other hand, be supportive to them.

I don't know how to help him get out of this "extremely" busy life. He is basically a very family oriented man, but cos of this busy job, he cannot devote more time to the family. He often feels stress , very stress, till he aches all over. What can I do ?????

家變

題目夠驚人吧。別擔心，不是我的家。。。幾天前就想在這裡吐苦水了。。。但是，時間夜了，就不記得了。剛才1個鐘前才跟我媽通過電話。。。

我外婆不知何時開始，慢慢被老人癡呆症“侵襲”了。近幾年，更是退化到像嬰兒般，不會自己吃不會自己暍不會自己如厠。。。原本就是外公一人陪她，和照顧她，但最近外公跌倒了，自己也不方便做這麼多了。我媽媽，阿姨們，舅舅開始他們的輪班製。。。媽媽顧白天，二姨放工來喂飯，三姨陪過夜。

最近，媽媽在哪兒很不開心。。剛才还說在哪兒是一整天都不說話的，因為外公說我媽會氣死他。

我跟表妹談過，她說，我二姨也是會被外公嘮叨不停。。。是老人脾氣。。我於是勸我媽。。。媽媽才說。。。。

外公常常嘮叨她，沒讀書，沒錢，沒本事，沒學問。他不相信我媽說得話，做事的方法。。還要我媽聽他的，因為他會教她。但阿姨說得，他有聽。

外公不信任媽媽的辦事能力，但他越幫越忙。比如，外婆拉屎，邊走去廁所，邊拉。外公不信任她做，也來幫忙扶著外婆上廁所。。但外公不知踩到外婆的屎尿，还踏遍全家。既然，家裡的地上骯髒，幫外婆洗腳也沒用，那我媽先把外婆清洗乾淨，穿上褲子，就去抹地，才去洗外婆的腳。外公反而罵她不把外婆的紙尿布穿好，去顧地上幹甚麼。

外公也好幾天都穿同樣的衣褲，整天抽煙不停，整個家都是煙味，有誰能待上一整天？衣褲不換，基本衛生沒了，媽媽怎麼敢在哪兒吃喝？

不止，外公說阿姨們做工，累了還要去照顧他們很可憐，但因為媽媽平日沒做工，就是很空閒。加上，阿姨們有自己的家和小孩要照顧，我弟弟33歲了，外公就覺得不須要看顧。可是，在媽媽心裡，不管孩子多大都是小的，在加上我弟弟還沒有老婆幫照顧，我媽媽也和爸爸離婚了，所以只有媽媽和弟弟同一屋檐下，媽媽如果常不在家，弟弟就是孤零零一個人。

現在，媽媽在哪兒，沒跟外公講話。。想必，日子一定很難過。整天吸二手煙也不是好事。兩個老人也不要請人來幫。。。這個難題怎麼解？

最讓我難過的是，外公會批評我媽媽沒讀書，沒知識，沒錢 等。。。她是最大的，以前家裡窮，她應該是幫忙家裡，才沒去念書。。。這又怪得了她？

成長的過程

Its going to be three months since I last post. Actually, I have been wanting to let go my feelings, frustrations, whatever whatever here for a couple of times before now, but just did not get to do it, cos I have two friends sharing the bad times with me.

Why did I come now? Cos I miss the time when me and husband were dating. I am seeing pictures of my niece and her bf ... so loving. Before that, one of my good friend had her birthday surprise from her hubby, so I envy lah. I asked my dh last night, will our relationship goes into plain water stage. He actually replied "no". However, deep in my heart, I feel it is almost there.

My sister in law told me that she read it somewhere, that hugging daily with hubby will actually improves the couple's relationship and they have been doing it. I did tell my dh that, but I cannot remember the response he gave me. Anyway, we did not carry it out. Sometimes, I think we both do not even exchange more than 10 sentences a day. I guess most people will think it is alright hor, since man goes to the office and not at home most of the time.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel that I owe him alot. He has to work to pay for all the bills, and he has to be the driver all the time, and he has to buy this housewife a laptop where she just use it for silly purposes etc. On the other hand, sometimes I feel that I do not owe him alot, cos I work later than him, I have less ME time and I have to sacrifice my sleep sometimes to get ME time (on the pc only). Don't know, very contradicting.

Deep down, I wish we can be a little more loving. Sitting closer when watching TV, sleeping closer on the bed, doing housework together. How do you feel when you see a couple, each taking an end of a 3 seater? or each taking an end of a King size bed?

又來避風港

很久沒來了。不是沒事情發生，而是當時不能上網，事情過了，沒那種心情就發泄不出來。

我一直在想，我對孩子的要求會不會太高。今晚，他的兩篇功課做了兩小時。我開始罵，罵久了，老公也來罵。看到孩子忍著淚水，我心痛了，叫老公不要罵了。教著教著，我又罵，老公也來罵，我又看到孩子那表情，我又教老公不要罵 。。。這樣的情形發生好幾遍，老公就說“我不教了，以後都你教”。

好不容易，孩子做完了。在床上，他哭了起來。他說他怕爸爸丟東西（老公把他的作業丟地上，也說如果他在星期一至五玩玩具，就會把玩具丟掉）。我難過。我哭了。我沒有讓兒子知道我哭。兒子也是常在我們罵他時，憋著不哭。我知道那種憋著的痛苦，所以我為他心痛。小孩一個，就不能自由的發泄。我很擔心，他的自尊心會被我們罵到變零，怕他會象我自信心偏低。

我抱了抱躺著的他，安慰他，叫他睡覺。

一切都是我。如果我沒罵，老公不會聽到，不會過來也罵。又是我，不敢跟老公說，不要在孩子面前丟東西了。

試問，有那一個老婆象我這樣，那麼多東西不敢同老公說。不想了。鼻子都塞住了。哭了就過了。